Healing

There must be something in the water because in just the last few months almost 10 of our family/friends have either welcomed a new baby into their family or announced their pregnancy!  This time last year that news would have sent me right over the edge, but I'm very happy to say that it doesn't have the same affect on me anymore.  I am truly happy for them all.  Not that I wouldn't have been happy for them before, because it's an absolute blessing.  But, it would've just reminded me of how helpless I felt about my own situation.  Anyone who has had to deal with infertility knows what I mean.  It's really hard to explain this to someone who hasn't experienced some sort of conception problems in one way or another.  Even my own husband really didn't understand it.  I have learned that men and women deal with infertility soooo differently.  When I tried to explain to him that I was mourning, he looked at me crazy.  I had never been pregnant and lost a child, so what exactly was I mourning?  I explained to him that I was mourning the loss of the baby I would never be able to conceive.  Imagine the one thing that you want the most in this world.  The one thing you have been hoping and dreaming for since you were a child.  Then imagine someone telling you that you can NEVER have it...no matter what you do, how hard you try, how much money you spend...you will NEVER be able to have it.  Anyone who can deal with that and not have some feelings of loss is a much stronger person than I! 

But the title of this post is "Healing", so let me tell you how in just one short year, the above news doesn't have me curled up in the corner crying my eyes out. 

As you all can guess, our baby girl Eden has truly healed my heart.  However, I'm ashamed to admit now that adoption wasn't a path I thought I would be able to choose.  It was actually at the first adoption orientation we attended that my eyes were opened.  There was a guest speaker, an adoptive father, who had just recently went through the process.  I remember him asking "What is more important to you?  Being pregnant or being a mother?"  So simple yet so profound.  From that moment on, I knew this path was the one we were meant to be on.

Before that, I was so fixated on getting pregnant and having a biological child at the time.  It became almost an obsession and nothing else was going to be good enough.  I remember telling my Mom at one point "I don't want any random baby, I want MY baby.  I want to look into her eyes and see me."  Wow, was I ever so wrong!  Because Eden IS MY BABY!  I feel she was always meant to be my daughter and that I just had to open my heart and mind so that she could find her way to me.  And the ironic thing is, is that when I look into her eyes, I DO see me!  Being a mom and loving your child is so much more than genetics.  If someone told me today that they could make it so that I could get pregnant and have as many "bio" babies as I wanted, but I had to give Eden up, I would say they were crazy and they could go you know where!  :)  I wouldn't trade her for 100 biological children!  She IS my daughter, period!

While I will always carry with me an infertility scar (both figuratively & literally, from my many surgeries :) ) it has definitely faded to near nothing.  Would I still like to experience pregnancy?  Sure, why not.  But it is definitely no longer a priority or an obsession.  If it happens, great.  And if not, it's really no big deal.  Wow!  I never thought those words would come out of my mouth.  :) 

So, Eden, my beautiful little angel, your Mama thanks you from the depths of my soul for coming into my life and healing this once broken woman.  You were always my path, I just got a little lost on the road.  :)  Love you baby!